A Madman’s Diary - Lu Xun

A certain gentleman and his brother, whose names I will keep anonymous, were good friends of mine during my time at Middle School. We have been separated for many years, and communication has gradually ceased. Recently, I heard that one of them was seriously ill. As I returned to my hometown, I took a detour to visit, but only met one of them, who informed me that it was his younger brother who had been ill. He thanked me for coming from afar to see him, but mentioned that he had already recovered and gone to a certain place to await an appointment. We laughed heartily, and he showed me two diaries, suggesting that I could see the state of his illness at the time and that it might be of interest to old friends. Upon reading them, I realized that the illness was akin to "persecution mania." The language was quite disordered and incoherent, with many absurd statements; there were no dates, and the ink and handwriting varied, indicating that it was not written all at once. Occasionally, there were some slightly coherent parts, and I have now excerpted one piece for medical research. The errors in the text have not been altered; only the names, though all villagers and unknown to the world, have been changed for the sake of propriety. As for the title of the book, it was given by the person himself after recovery and has not been changed. Recorded on April 2nd, seven years ago.

One

Tonight, the moonlight is exceptionally good. I haven't seen him for over thirty years; seeing him today, my spirits are extraordinarily refreshed. Only now do I realize that the past thirty years were all a blur; however, I must be extremely careful. Otherwise, why would the Zhao Family's dog look at me twice?

I have a reason to be afraid.

Two

There is no moonlight today; I know this is not good. I left the house cautiously in the morning, and Zhao Guiweng's expression was strange: as if he feared me, or perhaps intended to harm me. There were also seven or eight people whispering about me, afraid that I would notice. Everyone along the way was like this. The most vicious one among them grinned at me, which sent a chill from my head to my heels, making me realize that their arrangements were already in place.

But I am not afraid and continue on my way. A group of children ahead was also discussing me; their expressions were the same as Zhao Guiweng's, and their faces were all iron blue. I wondered what grudge I could have with the children for them to behave this way. Unable to hold back, I shouted, "Tell me!" and they ran away.

I thought: what grudge do I have with Zhao Guiweng, or with the people on the road? Only twenty years ago, I kicked Mr. Gujiu's old account book, which made him very unhappy. Although Zhao Guiweng doesn't know him, he must have heard the rumors and decided to take sides against me, aligning with the people on the road. But what about the children? They weren't even born then, so why are they glaring at me today, as if they fear me or want to harm me? This truly frightens me, makes me perplexed and heartbroken.

I understand now. It's their parents who taught them!

Three

I can't sleep at night. Everything must be studied to be understood.

They—some have been shackled by the magistrate, some have been slapped by gentry, some have had their wives taken by yamen runners, and some have had their parents forced to death by creditors; yet their expressions back then were not as fearful or fierce as yesterday.

The strangest thing was the woman on the street yesterday, hitting her son, saying, "Oh father! I want to bite you a few times to vent my anger!" But her eyes were on me. I was startled, unable to hide it; the group of blue-faced, yellow-toothed people burst into laughter. Chen Laowu rushed forward and forcibly dragged me back home.

Dragging me home, everyone there pretended not to recognize me; their expressions were just like everyone else's. Once in the study, they locked the door behind me, as if they were locking up a chicken or duck. This made the situation even more puzzling to me.

A few days ago, a tenant from Langzi Village came to report famine to my elder brother, saying that a great villain in their village had been beaten to death by everyone; a few people then dug out his heart and liver, fried them in oil, and ate them to boost their courage. I interjected, and both the tenant and my brother gave me a few glances. Only today do I realize that their looks were exactly the same as those of the people outside.

Thinking about it, a chill ran from my head to my heels.

If they can eat people, they might eat me too.

Look at the woman's words "bite you a few times," the laughter of the blue-faced, yellow-toothed group, and the tenant's words from the other day, they are clearly secret signals. I can see that their words are full of poison, and their laughter is full of knives. Their teeth are all lined up, sharp and white, these are the tools for eating people.

According to my own thoughts, although I am not a villain, ever since I kicked Mr. Gujiu's account book, it's hard to say. They seem to have other intentions, which I cannot guess at all. Moreover, when they turn against someone, they call them a villain. I still remember my elder brother teaching me to write essays, no matter how good a person is, twist a few words, and they become a villain; excuse a bad person a few times, and they say "a master of turning the world upside down, unique among the crowd." How could I guess their true intentions, especially when it comes to eating?

Everything must be studied to be understood. People have often been eaten throughout history, I still remember, but not very clearly. I opened the history books to check, and this history has no dates, on each slanted page are the words "benevolence, righteousness, morality." I couldn't sleep anyway, so I looked carefully for half the night, and only then did I see between the lines, the whole book was filled with the words "eat people"!

The book contains so many words, the tenant said so many things, yet they all looked at me with smiling, strange eyes.

I am also human, they want to eat me!

In the morning, I sat quietly for a while. Chen Laowu brought in the meal, a bowl of vegetables and a bowl of steamed fish; the eyes of the fish were white and hard, with its mouth open, just like those people who want to eat others. After a few bites, the slippery texture made it unclear whether it was fish or human, so I spat it out along with everything in my stomach. I said, "Laowu, tell big brother that I'm feeling restless and want to take a walk in the garden." Laowu didn't respond and left; after a while, he came back and opened the door. I didn't move, studying how they were plotting against me; I knew they wouldn't relax their guard. Sure enough! My big brother brought an old man, slowly walking towards me; his eyes were full of malice, afraid I'd notice, he kept his head down, secretly watching me from the side of his glasses. My brother said, "You seem better today." I replied, "Yes." My brother said, "Today, Mr. He is here to give you a check-up." I said, "Alright!" But how could I not know this old man was disguised as an executioner! They just used the pretense of checking my pulse to gauge my condition; for this service, he would get a piece of meat to eat. I wasn't afraid; though I don't eat people, my courage is stronger than theirs. I extended my fists to see how he would proceed. The old man sat there, closed his eyes, felt my pulse for a long time, and then opened his ghostly eyes, saying, "Don't overthink, rest quietly for a few days, and you'll be fine." Don't overthink, rest quietly! Once I'm fattened up, they can eat more; what benefit do I get, how could I be "fine"? These people want to eat others, yet they sneak around, trying to cover it up, not daring to act directly, which makes me want to laugh to death. I couldn't help it and burst into laughter, feeling very happy. I knew that in this laughter, there was righteousness and courage; the old man and my brother turned pale, suppressed by my courage and righteousness. But the more courage I had, the more they wanted to eat me, to gain some of that courage. The old man stepped out the door, not far away, he whispered to my brother, "Hurry up and eat!" My brother nodded. So, you're in on it too! This big discovery, though unexpected, was also anticipated; the one conspiring to eat me is my brother! My brother is one who eats people! I am the brother of those who eat people! Even if I am eaten, I am still the brother of those who eat people!

Five

These days, I've been thinking: even if that old man wasn't disguised as an executioner, but truly a doctor, he would still be one who eats people. Their ancestor Li Shizhen wrote in the "Compendium of Materia Medica" that human flesh can be cooked and eaten; can he still claim he doesn't eat people? As for my big brother, he is not wronged at all. When he was teaching me, he personally said that it was possible to exchange children for food; once, when discussing a bad person, he said not only should they be killed, but their flesh should be eaten and their skin slept on. At that time, I was young, and my heart pounded for a long time. The other day, when a tenant from Langzi Village came talking about eating hearts and livers, he wasn't surprised at all, nodding continuously. It shows his thoughts are just as they were before. Since they can exchange children for food, they can eat anything and anyone. Before, I just listened to his reasoning and muddled through; now I know that when he was reasoning, not only was there human oil on his lips, but his heart was full of thoughts of eating people.

Six

It's pitch black, I don't know if it's day or night. The Zhao Family's dog started barking again. The fierce heart of a lion, the timidity of a rabbit, the cunning of a fox...

Seven

I know their method is not to kill directly, they wouldn't dare, fearing retribution. So they all connect, spreading a net, forcing me to commit suicide. Look at the way the men and women on the street behaved a few days ago, and my brother's actions these days, and you can understand most of it. The best way is to untie my belt, hang it on the beam, and strangle myself tightly; they won't have the crime of murder, yet fulfill their wish, naturally, they will all joyfully emit a kind of sobbing laughter. Otherwise, if I die from fright and worry, though a bit thinner, they can still nod approvingly. They only eat dead meat! — Something says there's a creature called "Hyena," with unpleasant eyes and appearance; it often eats dead meat, even chewing and swallowing large bones, which is frightening to think about. "Hyena" is a relative of the wolf, and wolves are related to dogs. The other day, the Zhao Family's dog looked at me a few times, showing it was also in on it, already in contact. The old man looked at the ground, how could he deceive me? The most pitiful is my big brother. He is also human, why is he not afraid, and even conspires to eat me? Is it because he's used to it, not seeing it as wrong? Or has he lost his conscience, knowingly committing the act?

I curse those who eat people, starting with him; to persuade those who eat people, I also start with him.

Eight

In fact, this reasoning, by now, they should have long understood...

Suddenly, a person appeared; he was about twenty years old, and his appearance wasn't very clear, but he had a full smile on his face, nodding at me. His smile didn't seem genuine. I asked him, "Is it true about eating people?" He continued to smile and said, "Without a famine, why would people eat others?" I immediately realized he was part of the group that liked eating people; this gave me immense courage, and I insisted on asking him. "Is it true?" "Why ask about such things? You really know how to... joke... The weather is nice today." The weather was indeed nice, and the moonlight was very bright. But I wanted to ask you, "Is it true?" He was dismissive. He mumbled in response, "No..." "Not true? Then why do they eat!" "It's not true..." "Not true? Langzi Village is currently eating; it's even written in books, freshly printed in red!" His face changed, turning ashen. He said with wide eyes, "There is indeed, this has always been the case..." "Just because it's always been this way, does that make it right?" "I won't discuss these matters with you; in any case, you shouldn't say it, and if you do, you're wrong!" I jumped up, opened my eyes, and the person was gone. My upper body was covered in sweat. He was much younger than my elder brother, yet he was part of the group; it must have been taught by his parents. I'm afraid he's already taught his son; that's why even the children look at me viciously.

Nine

They want to eat people themselves, yet fear being eaten by others, looking at each other with deep suspicion... Once this thought is gone, doing things, walking, eating, and sleeping would be so comfortable. It's just a threshold, a turning point. But they, whether fathers, sons, brothers, husbands, wives, friends, teachers, students, enemies, or strangers, all form a group, encouraging and restraining each other, unwilling to take this step even in death.

Ten

Early in the morning, I went to find my elder brother; he was standing outside the hall door looking at the sky. I walked up behind him, blocking the door, and spoke to him with extra calmness and kindness, "Brother, I have something to tell you." "Just say it," he quickly turned around and nodded. "I have only a few words, but I can't express them. Brother, perhaps in the beginning, primitive people all ate a bit of human flesh. Later, because of different thoughts, some stopped eating people, striving for goodness, and became human, became real humans. Some still eat, just like insects, some turned into fish, birds, monkeys, and eventually into humans. Some don't want to be good, and to this day are still insects. Those who eat people are much more ashamed than those who don't. I'm afraid they're far more ashamed than insects are of monkeys. Yi Ya steamed his son for Jie and Zhou to eat; that's an ancient story. Who knows, from the time of Pangu creating the world, they ate all the way to Yi Ya's son; from Yi Ya's son, they ate all the way to Xu Xilin; from Xu Xilin, they ate all the way to the people caught in Langzi Village. Last year, when a criminal was executed in the city, there was even a person with tuberculosis who used a bun to dip in the blood and lick it. They want to eat me, and you alone can't do anything about it; but why join them? People who eat others can do anything; they can eat me, and they can eat you, even among themselves. But as long as you take one step, as long as you change immediately, everyone will be at peace. Although it's always been this way, today we can strive to be better, saying it's impossible! Brother, I believe you can say it, the other day when the tenant wanted to reduce rent, you said it was impossible."

At first, he just sneered coldly, then his gaze turned fierce, and as soon as their secret was exposed, his whole face turned blue. Outside the main door stood a group of people, Zhao Guiweng and his dog were among them, all craning their necks to peer inside. Some faces were unrecognizable, seemingly covered with cloth; some still had blue faces and yellow teeth, smirking with pursed lips. I recognized them as part of the group, all people-eaters. But I also knew their thoughts were very different; some believed it had always been this way and should be eaten; some knew it shouldn't be eaten, but still wanted to eat, afraid of being exposed, so when they heard my words, they became even more furious, but still smirked coldly with pursed lips.

At this moment, my brother suddenly showed a fierce expression, shouting loudly, "Everyone out! What's there to see in a madman!" At this moment, I understood another of their clever tricks. Not only are they unwilling to change, but they have already arranged it; prepared a madman's label to cover me. In the future, when they eat me, not only will it be peaceful, but there might even be people who sympathize. The tenant said everyone ate a villain, and that's exactly the method. This is their old trick!

Chen Laowu also angrily walked straight in. How could they silence me? I insisted on telling this group, "You can change, start from the heart! You must know that in the future, those who eat people will not be allowed to live in this world. If you don't change, you will eat yourselves up. Even if you give birth to many, they will be eradicated by real humans, just like hunters finishing off wolves! — Just like insects!"

That group of people was all driven away by Chen Laowu. My brother also disappeared somewhere. Chen Laowu urged me to go back inside the house. Inside, it was all dark. The beams and rafters trembled above my head; after shaking for a while, they grew larger, piling on top of me.

With immense heaviness, I couldn't move; his intention was for me to die. I knew his heaviness was fake, so I struggled to get out, breaking into a sweat. Yet, I insisted, "You must change immediately, starting from the heart! You must understand that in the future, those who eat people will not be tolerated!..."

Eleven

The sun doesn't rise, the door doesn't open, and every day there are only two meals. When I picked up the chopsticks, I thought of my elder brother; I knew the reason my younger sister died was entirely because of him. At that time, my sister was only five years old, her adorable and pitiable appearance still vivid in my mind. My mother cried incessantly, but he persuaded her not to cry; probably because he felt guilty for having eaten, crying would make him feel even more remorseful. If he could still feel remorse...

My sister was eaten by my elder brother, whether my mother knew or not, I couldn't tell. My mother probably knew; however, during her crying, she never explained, perhaps thinking it was appropriate. I remember when I was four or five years old, sitting in the hall to cool off, my elder brother said that when parents are sick, a good son should cut off a piece of his flesh, cook it, and offer it to them; only then is he considered a good person. My mother didn't say it was wrong. If a piece can be eaten, naturally the whole can be eaten too. But thinking back to that day's crying, it truly makes one heartbroken, it's an extremely bizarre thing!

Twelve

I can't think about it anymore. In this place where people have been eaten for four thousand years, today I finally understand, I have been mixed in it for many years; my elder brother was in charge of the household, my sister just happened to die, he might have secretly mixed her into the food for us to eat. I might have unknowingly eaten a few pieces of my sister's flesh, and now it's my turn...

With my four thousand years of cannibalistic history, although I didn't know at first, now I understand, it's hard to find a true person!

Thirteen

Are there any children who haven't eaten people, perhaps there are? Save the children...